[She.]

Covered in pink ribbon scars.

Shallow cheeks, white porcelain
Protruding ribs, tile floor
The empty stomach dance begins.

Mia, don't whisper softly in my ears
Hold me up as I faint.

Courage, courage, come
You're only as strong
As your will to fight.

Numbers, numbers, numbers
There is safety in numbers.
Grams, ounces, calories
Record them, memorize them
Recite them by heart.

Fingers, are cold.
Hands, will shake.
"It's not easy to fight
Just, give in."

Numbers, numbers, numbers
There is safety in numbers.

Say Something..

This is where I'd write what I'm feeling.. This is where I'd write whats running through my head..

But everything feels a little numb..
and I can't put words into sentences or even start to tell my fingers what to type.


I'm not sure I'm doing okay.

I just hope.. I just hope that he is.

Courier, and other forgotten drafts.

I'm not sure what I'm doing. 
I'm starring at a blank page, shaking, wanting to

cry?scream?breakdown?

I'm not sure, I just want something to happen.. something to be set in motion.


I've started wearing my sports bra again.
Because the slightly pressure around my ribs makes me feel like I'm being held.

I've forgotten what a hug feels like.


I'm very alone.

Thoughts Jotted Down

Scribbled in my note book,
Ink on my arms.

I've come to realize, that I'm a part of many people's lives,
but these relationships.. they form fast, but strong, deep and true.

I'm only in these peoples lives because I need them, they need me.

In most cases these bonds don't last very long.
Many times they will last a few years at most.

But one factor is true across the board, I stay until I'm no longer needed

"I'm no longer needed" - and that happens, in all cases.

I'm in these peoples lives to show them a true compassionate friendship, a deep meaningful love.

To show them they are needed, they are cared for, and valued.
And in return are able to care and love others as well.

I have a deep heart, and wish to bring these people happiness..

But, that's one thing that makes it so much harder letting go

Because at some point, I have to go. I have to show them loss.
Show them life really is okay and love goes as quickly as it comes.

I have to be there, but only until I'm no longer needed.

I'm that person.

There is nothing out there but loss for me. and that's okay, because I get to share love.

Because loss, I can live through, over and over again.

Because every new time, the love is so much stronger, and so much more meaning full.

Then again, at the end, I'm still so very alone.

Long Nights, Soft Sighs

Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought
Maybe I just wanna be yours

I'm not sure what level I'm on.

I'm not sure what I'm doing right now.

Let me be your 'leccy meter and I'll never run out
And let me be the portable heater that you'll get cold without
I wanna be your setting lotion (I wanna be)
Hold your hair in deep devotion (How deep?)
At least as deep as the Pacific Ocean
I wanna be yours

I Swear This Time I Mean It

If luck is on my side tonight
My clumsy tongue will make it right
And wrists that touch
It isn't much, but it's enough
To form imaginary lines
Forget your scars, we'll forget mine
The hours change so fast
Oh God, please make this last

My room is almost all set up.. I can now lay on my bed, look up at the walls and smile. This, this is my space. This is what I've been waiting for, what I've been craving for so long. 

'Cause I'm outdated, overrated
Morning seems so far way

I got to unpack my art supplies.. The paints and clay that have been living in boxes for 9 months or more.. I almost cried realizing how much I missed my art, and how finally, I can just live. I can finally just be. Don't get me wrong.. I've done a lot of growing, and learned a lot about myself whilst living with others.. However, I honestly believe this is what I've needed.

You could crush me
Please don't crush me
'Cause baby I'm a dreamer for sure
And I won't let you down
I swear this time I mean it

"I honestly believe this is what I've needed." Not sure why that line makes me laugh a little.. It's only been a few days into the year, and it's started with so much change. But, when I leave the house, after the sky grows dark, I can look up, and finally.. I can see stars. And they, are so damn beautiful. 

Letters In The Mail...

And Sappy country songs on the radio..

I haven't written in ages, and now I cant seem to write fast enough.

"It's no lost to me.."

I know you didn't mean it like I took it..
But those words keep ringing in my ears..

The move went alright, a few bouts of bickering.. but it's done. And I'm all moved in with an old friend from Abbotsford. Its sad, but simply just hanging out with him these last few days, has been the most human contact I've had in a while.. We are just sitting around and bullshiting, but I can tell that this is the most either of us has laughed in a while. And it feels so good to laugh. 

We had a cupboard full of soup and a freezer full of juice,
and we are adults now.

And I'm loving every moment of it. 

[Obligatory New Years Day Post.]

I realized this morning.. This is the first post of my fifth year writing this blog. 

I've been here, and pouring my soul out to this blog, for four whole years. And I've just gotta say, so much has happened.. So many people that I've met that have truly helped me through so many things. I'm honestly not sure I'd be here today, still writing, if it wasn't for the amazing friends I've made. 

Through this blog, I've hit rock bottom, and experienced complete happiness. I've fought and overcome so very much through my time here.. I've dropped out of school, and then worked very hard to still graduate. I've traveled to a few new places, and seen amazing sights. I've grown as a person, and I think I'm finally starting to find out who I really am.

As cliche as it really is, This Is Just The Beginning.

I'm scared and so very excited. 

Life is starting, and I'm ready to see where I can go.