"I will hold on to you, to make sure you don't fall."

"Everything will be okay"

please, try to say it with me...

We must blend into the choir
Sing as static with the whole
We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul
And in this endless race for property and privilege to be won
We must run, we must run, we must run

Its been a while, and so many things have happened. I'm not even sure I want to write any of it down.. As you might has noticed, I'm back to writing poetry. As that is an amazing leap forward, I find myself again, drowning my sadness with alcohol. Tonight when I said I was leaving for food, I ended up on an hour long walk.. that turned into a jog.. I found myself running to the liquor store. Six pack of beer and some sort of mickey.. I wanted vodka. I only know vodka. But vodka makes me craves the blade.. craves the blood and the pain. I know that too well. I got whiskey.

I'm moving out. Things have ended with Jason, and I'm moving out. I'm finding a place. I'm not doing so well holding myself together. I don't want to cause him pain, but hearing his sobs in the shower the other morning.. might have pushed me over the edge. I don't know what to do.. but i know being here hurts him. I have no friends in the city.. there isn't any where for me to go.. what should I do? Why can't I just please everyone.. keep everyone happy.. make them all smile and feel loved.. That's all I wish I could do. 

My heart just has so much love. But all the love I give, ends up hurting people. 

why can't I just love, and be happy..?

Oh my morning's coming back
The whole world's waking up
All the city buses swimming past
I'm happy just because
I found out I am really no one

3am Twilight Zone

Laying next to you makes me feel even more lonely, then if I were sleeping alone.

But then again, what am I doing?

This is really long distance, 86 hours by train. But.. He is.. *sigh* he writes poetry, cosplays, plays video games and is so caring so sweet.. 

Is that enough, to have all the same common interests? 

Either way, I'm moving out. I can't be in this apartment anymore. School is starting soon.. And I have naya to worry about. 

No.. I have my own sanity to worry about. When I got back from nayas I was 120.9 no more then a week later.. 112.6 I know, and I'm so sorry.. I havent been this low since doing coke everyday for a month. I'm only eating a bowl of rice a day at most.. Some times more.. Mostly less. But one thing is consent, I've been up late drinking. It always comes back to drinking. I wont touch the vodka, the vodka makes me cut. I'm sipping wine, skittle wine, because thats what I use to drink when I would paint, when I would pour my soul into a creation. What ever happened to that?

Your guess is as good as mine.

I'm lonely, so lonely it hurts..

86 hours away by train..

112.6 pounds..

I'm not doing so well..

Then again,

Your guess is as good as mine.

The Poem Never Read

Who I am now, is someone I never intended to be.
For I got lost in the back of my head.
I've told you, it was a maze,
I've told you what I have said
But here we go

In circles we travel,
unwanted this attention,
unneeded this trouble.

Just stand there alone,
gaze up in the spotlight.
People will pass,
children will point.. but
remain where you stand,
a symbol of hope.

My heat was burning,
it did once light our way
out of the center of
this very maze.

If I stop talking
I'm sure you'll be lost,
deeper and deeper into thought..

A walking zombie,
just like I found you..
Tattered, battered,
and possibly decaying..

But that doesn't matter,
its not how thing will end..

I can't see the future,
our time remaining.. but I'll
stand with you so,
I don't fall be hind.

Hold my hand tight,
never let me go..
Be there with me when
the bullet wound shows;

Right through where
my heart use to be
now is a shot.. I bleed.

My life is ending,
you can't save me now..
All this, is some silly,

words written down.
Nothing in ink,
or recorded in a book..

Just pencil and paper,
take another look!

It can be erased,
like magic
it disappears..

With slightly effort,
its gone..
Simply no proof of existent.

Like a Cliff hanger,
this ending..
Two words
can stop it all.

It's nothing to ever,
depend on at all.

My dear,
this..
this is..

The end.

There has been a spark

I've started writing again.. 

It's been a year or so with out poetry. 

Here is the first breath of life.

Enjoy.

Im not sure what to write 

But I know that my soul wants to speak

I feel it. Its restless 

Turning and aching and craving 

Release

It's been awoken, after sleeping for so long

The pen shakes my fist clenches and face screws up in frustration 

I close my eyes.. And see words like a ticker flashing past too quick to register

My soul is restless

Turning and aching and craving 

Release

It's been awoken, after sleeping for so long

One long.. Deep.. breath.. In. 

My hands come to my chest 

Another.. breath.. 

Release

Ive got a story. These pages have been aching for ink, I've got a story and I'm ready, to give it life. 

Turning and aching and craving 

Release

This adventure has been awoken, after my eyes have been close for far too long.

Im not sure what to wrte, 

But this seem like a good way to start. 

To be honset..

Im feeling a little more then a little lost.

Ihatemyself..Ihatemyself..Ihatemyself

Where am I going? What am I doing?

Why am I so lonely.. 

Loneliness has to be the most painful emotion.. Next to depression.

Ihatemyself..Ihatemyself..Ihatemyself

Maybe its all tied together, and I'm only making it worse by being selfish and valuing your friendship over everything else. 

But selfish or not.. I know I miss you..

If I can't keep myself together I'm not sure anyone can.. Sadly you and your kindness can't fix me. 

Ihatemyself..Ihatemyself..Ihatemyself

I'm nothing more then poison.. It's all happen before, and it'll only hurt so much more this time 'round because your the innocent by stander, I wasn't ment to find your kindness.

Save yourself from me while you can..

I'm so sorry.. I love you.

86 hours away via train..

But that's just for now

New friends, just when I was certain new   friends would be nothing but bad news.. I've gone and made a handful more <3

Joining the irc has honestly not only brought me back to drawing, and art.. but has sparked my passion for it, making me push my boundaries and see how much I can improve. Which is a mind frame I never thought I would find again.

Sure I'm the new random person that hasn't been around very long.. But I still feel like I've made friends, and in a way finding myself aswell. 

It all might seem silly, but for a few people scattered all over the globe to be able to drag a lonely girl out of depression and back to her art, is really something amazing.

This really wouldn't be possible with out Twitchy.. He was the reason I came back to the irc the first few times, and I can't thank him enough. 

Little Bad Boy

Thats what your acting like

But I really don't buy, that your that kinda guy

Serenade me, once more. Let me feel those butterflies again

Hot chocolate and video games, 

Soft paint covered hands

Time Lord seeking Companion for adventures

 & running away from badguys

• Re: Companion for adventures seeking a tardis!‏

  
  
  I know it's risky, and I'm not even sure why I did it, but I looked on Craigslist. And I found someone. She is married and not looking for commitment, just cuddles and adventures! And is nerdy and cute. It's only been an email back and forth thus far, but it's promising. 
  
  
  And it's just a fluke I went to look. 
  
  
  Gosh I hope it works out..