BorderLine,

Just Like So.

I've been walking this thin line between recovery, and relapse.
Been feeling very uncomfortable in my skin for a few weeks (most likely from no gym time) and then took a dive.. three days of laxatives and diurex and eating around five hundred calories (give or take) It shook me just enough however. I know I don't want that life, that obsession (Even when it gave me direction and purpose)

I wanna try, and live without those numbers in my head, and sleepless dreams after trying to feel for bones.

Maybe It's Finally My Time.

*clears throat*

I'm doing okay.

I'm having struggles, but that's okay, cause life throws shit at you, that is simply just how it is.
And I'm okay with that.

To be honest..

I enjoy thinking about you.

Your like warm memories of soft smiles (and kisses) they light up my cheeks every time. 

(Even if everything ends in pain.)

I don't have many of those left, or at all. I'm just glad it was with you.

..but to be honest, it hurts.. but I miss your warmth.

A Week With Out Work

And to be honest, I'm losing my shit.

There isn't any structure without a nine to five work week, and I'm not sure with realizing this makes me more of an adult, or that I'm just looking for more reasons to complain.

Jason and I have started doing yoga everyday after he gets home, and its helping my blue moods. I know he is right, lack of exercise is driving me bonkers.. It ties in perfectly with the lack of work thing, I don't get up and out of the house so I never leave the house, simple.

I just hope I start work soon..

Splash Splash

Take a dip, lets splash around!

Got my first swimming workout in! Oh it felt great to have my heart rate up and no pain in my joints :-) Oh it was simply wonderful! I felt good in my swimming suit and finally felt happy, I haven't felt that happy in a really long while.. And I think it's gonna stick. I'm excited. 

OC Idea One.. Yay? Nay?

Zilch.

I hate myself. 

Yes, I know I've said that countless times before, But I'm Loosing Myself.

I haven't been to the gym, all month. I haven't missed more then a 3 day span since I've joined there, and I feel bloated, large, awkward. So I've been having the worst thoughts. Its for the best of my joints though, but they are only getting worse. I'm in extreme amounts of pain, all day, and throughout the night.

I bought my training swimsuit however, and borrowed a few books from the library. I'm ready, but I'm stalling. I'm putting off getting my pass, and reading the books, I'm scared I'll screw up. I'm terrified I'll look like a fool, I just got everything figured out at the gym, and now I'm not on dry land anymore. 

The Anime Convention was great! We got to spend to together, and be nerdy, although we both spent too much money. (Which will no doubt be a factor of stress soon) I only had one problem, little Emily France. I think now that perhaps I was jealous, that I wanted Naya's attention, and that touchy cuddly way that she was attacking Naya with was perhaps my wish. But I think better now, that all wasn't the case, it was simply this little France came outta no where and pushed me outta the picture away from my best friend, reality is.. only friend. And I got sacred. 

Speaking of the Con.. That silly Chinese lady that cut my hair, did a terrible job. I hate it. But I just can't be bothered to care anymore.

I want to cut. Really badly. Really, REALLY badly.

I want to purge. I want to fast. I want my laxatives, and caffeine pills.

I want to hurt myself.





I'm falling in this dark hole,
and I'm not sure I want to be pulled outta it.

A letter to a lover.

I'm not sure why I''m writing this to you, I'm not sure if its cause I miss you, or the touch of another female. I just know I'm going crazy missing the passion we experienced that night, and how I can't get the feeling out of my head.

I'm not sure if its from the alcohol that I'm writing this, or if its just the push I needed to send these words your way.. But I have an overwhelming urge to tell you, show you, who I am.

Its not much, but its raw, unfiltered, me.

this is who I am, and i haven't figured out if its a good thing or not.

I'm not sure what I am right now, what I am doing or who I'm meant to be looking for.. But I feel like I'm covering up and suppressing urges and, to be honest myself. There was such an intense passion, I've never felt before, and it just burst with you.

I need that again..

What am I  doing.. I shouldn't be emailing you.. I'm confused and ashamed of these feeling..

What am I supposed to do.. I can't be myself, I always get stuck in relationships that require my attendance. I'm not sure why I need this.. but I feel incomplete..

An Open Letter, NOT To Be Posted On Facebook

Coming up fast, I'll be working security at the pride in my city, and I feel that of any time that would be the best to get t
his off my chest. As my blog reader you may already know, but for those that don't I'm bisexual, and this is what I plan to post after or during the festival to my Facebook, letting my family, friends and whom ever know. Then to forward it to Dan Savage, as he has really helped me with the struggle of self-acceptance, as I'm sure he has with many others.

The letter is as follows:

*just an update, Ive decided not to post this to facebook.

This weekend I worked security at Vancouver Pride Parade and festivity, and if you have a moment, there is something I'd like to tell you.

For a long while, I've felt ashamed, confused, and wished to denine this part of me. Because of media, social pressure norms, and peers all tell me the way I feel is wrong.

However, this world has come along way, bringing peoples understanding and acceptance with it.

It has taken me a long while to feel comfortable enough to say this out loud, even still I'm not sure the reactions I'll receive, but this is a part of who I am, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I am Bisexual, which means I find both men and women sexually attractive.

Really it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is. And if more people felt they could come forward, like your boss, neighbor or best friend perhaps, then maybe, someday it wouldn't be such a big deal. Finally then acceptance would over power the shame and fear that these people, myself included, feel.

Attraction, stirring feelings, and most importantly love, is just that, regardless of ethnicity, religion or gender.

And to me, love is a very powerful thing. I hope it is to you as well.