A letter to a lover.

I'm not sure why I''m writing this to you, I'm not sure if its cause I miss you, or the touch of another female. I just know I'm going crazy missing the passion we experienced that night, and how I can't get the feeling out of my head.

I'm not sure if its from the alcohol that I'm writing this, or if its just the push I needed to send these words your way.. But I have an overwhelming urge to tell you, show you, who I am.

Its not much, but its raw, unfiltered, me.

this is who I am, and i haven't figured out if its a good thing or not.

I'm not sure what I am right now, what I am doing or who I'm meant to be looking for.. But I feel like I'm covering up and suppressing urges and, to be honest myself. There was such an intense passion, I've never felt before, and it just burst with you.

I need that again..

What am I  doing.. I shouldn't be emailing you.. I'm confused and ashamed of these feeling..

What am I supposed to do.. I can't be myself, I always get stuck in relationships that require my attendance. I'm not sure why I need this.. but I feel incomplete..

An Open Letter, NOT To Be Posted On Facebook

Coming up fast, I'll be working security at the pride in my city, and I feel that of any time that would be the best to get t
his off my chest. As my blog reader you may already know, but for those that don't I'm bisexual, and this is what I plan to post after or during the festival to my Facebook, letting my family, friends and whom ever know. Then to forward it to Dan Savage, as he has really helped me with the struggle of self-acceptance, as I'm sure he has with many others.

The letter is as follows:

*just an update, Ive decided not to post this to facebook.

This weekend I worked security at Vancouver Pride Parade and festivity, and if you have a moment, there is something I'd like to tell you.

For a long while, I've felt ashamed, confused, and wished to denine this part of me. Because of media, social pressure norms, and peers all tell me the way I feel is wrong.

However, this world has come along way, bringing peoples understanding and acceptance with it.

It has taken me a long while to feel comfortable enough to say this out loud, even still I'm not sure the reactions I'll receive, but this is a part of who I am, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I am Bisexual, which means I find both men and women sexually attractive.

Really it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is. And if more people felt they could come forward, like your boss, neighbor or best friend perhaps, then maybe, someday it wouldn't be such a big deal. Finally then acceptance would over power the shame and fear that these people, myself included, feel.

Attraction, stirring feelings, and most importantly love, is just that, regardless of ethnicity, religion or gender.

And to me, love is a very powerful thing. I hope it is to you as well.

Where Is My BonBon?

I'm not sure if I miss her, or just the contact from another girl. 

I see them walking, some smile my way, some hold another girls hand. 

I wish so badly to have that, to hold some girls soft hand in mine, to pull her close, and kiss her neck.

Maybe I should just stop thinking about it.

Maybe I'm wrong for wanting this.

Maybe I should just forget this.

But Maybe, Just Maybe, I Need My BonBon.

Worse fears.. Not so bad.

All of those fears that rendered me helpless, the ones that put up walls and tore at my sanity .. 

They have come, and past. 

And guess what, the world is still spinning, and hasn't exploded.

*deep breath in* Im breathing in

*breathing out*  Im breathing out

And I guess thats really all I can do.

But to be honest, thats just fine with me.

Feeling A Little Nostalgic

My dearest Linaya..

I love you.

Always and forever, because you are my best friend. I could go all sob story, tell you just how much you've made my life bare able and worthwhile, but the memories we share speak loud enough for them selves. 

I know today isn't the day I send you a link to my blog, nor tomorrow, or any day soon.. But some day, as I want you to know what I've been through, and how far I've come. 

We've been friends for such a long time, and it makes me smile to know we will be for many more years to come. Cause to be honest, no one is quite like you, and no two people get along quite like us.

I hope to move closer to you, to be there when you need me, to be able to help, to really help. The way best friends do.

I'm not sure what stirred this post inside of me.. Maybe it's the Finland vodka, or the Ashcroft trip coming up.. Or the thoughts of your mother passing, and how you called me at work.. how I couldn't help you, how I couldn't be there when you needed me most, and you turned to Makayla. (The fact that memory crushes me every time I think of it..)

Maybe it's no reason at all.. And I just miss you. Cause I really do miss you. 

I wonder if you miss me too.. 

Excuse Me Ma'am..

But I'd like to see your doctorate. Please Tell Me How Are You Qualified To Treat People?

I went to the doctors finally for my joint issues, as they have been extremely terrible lately. I sat down, told her what the matter was, and she told me.. My blood work was normal, all my tests were fine. I blankly stared back and asked, well, whats wrong with me. 

She Told Me, She Didn't Know. 

Sent me away with a months worth of super Aleve and told me to come back if that doesn't help. 

Well fuck me. 

Its done. finally.

Did it all get real, I guess it's real enough

They got refrigerators full of blood

Another century spent pointing guns 

At anything that moves

Sometimes I worry that I've lost the plot

Three years of my life, for one little paper.

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you 
And I wondered if I could come home

Some days, just some, you can't help as much as you really wish you could. And that, that makes you human, that makes you feel weak and helpless, and raw. I'm not sure if it's just me, but that's something I'd take on for love, no matter how heavy. 

And I'm pretty sure listening to Bright Eyes is only counter productive. 

But only some sounds can sooth a weighted soul.