Feeling A Little Nostalgic

My dearest Linaya..

I love you.

Always and forever, because you are my best friend. I could go all sob story, tell you just how much you've made my life bare able and worthwhile, but the memories we share speak loud enough for them selves. 

I know today isn't the day I send you a link to my blog, nor tomorrow, or any day soon.. But some day, as I want you to know what I've been through, and how far I've come. 

We've been friends for such a long time, and it makes me smile to know we will be for many more years to come. Cause to be honest, no one is quite like you, and no two people get along quite like us.

I hope to move closer to you, to be there when you need me, to be able to help, to really help. The way best friends do.

I'm not sure what stirred this post inside of me.. Maybe it's the Finland vodka, or the Ashcroft trip coming up.. Or the thoughts of your mother passing, and how you called me at work.. how I couldn't help you, how I couldn't be there when you needed me most, and you turned to Makayla. (The fact that memory crushes me every time I think of it..)

Maybe it's no reason at all.. And I just miss you. Cause I really do miss you. 

I wonder if you miss me too.. 

Excuse Me Ma'am..

But I'd like to see your doctorate. Please Tell Me How Are You Qualified To Treat People?

I went to the doctors finally for my joint issues, as they have been extremely terrible lately. I sat down, told her what the matter was, and she told me.. My blood work was normal, all my tests were fine. I blankly stared back and asked, well, whats wrong with me. 

She Told Me, She Didn't Know. 

Sent me away with a months worth of super Aleve and told me to come back if that doesn't help. 

Well fuck me. 

Its done. finally.

Did it all get real, I guess it's real enough

They got refrigerators full of blood

Another century spent pointing guns 

At anything that moves

Sometimes I worry that I've lost the plot

Three years of my life, for one little paper.

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you 
And I wondered if I could come home

Some days, just some, you can't help as much as you really wish you could. And that, that makes you human, that makes you feel weak and helpless, and raw. I'm not sure if it's just me, but that's something I'd take on for love, no matter how heavy. 

And I'm pretty sure listening to Bright Eyes is only counter productive. 

But only some sounds can sooth a weighted soul.

Mixed nuts, fruit smoothies.

Everything from A to Z.

I think every once and while a good hardy shake is required, only to truly see how far you've come.

Jason is right, I've made leaps and bounds from where I've come and that is something to be proud of. A slip now and then is to be expected.

I've made progress with eating, exercising, social situations, and over all confidence. That's something to be proud of, as no change is over night and takes work.

I really am in a good place, and I'm working every day to better myself and my life. With Jason in my life, I don't think I would have ever made it this far, I owe so much to him. He really is my everything, and no amount of "I love you"s could ever cover it.

A few good laughs

Shared with a great friend.

I always forget just how much I miss naya, but that first moments of seeing her, it all rushes back. I hope we will be friends forever. As how ever long forever may be, but I will always cherish our time together.

Do's and Don'ts

Of afternoon napping, amongst other things.

I purged. I'm high on coke, and I purged.

My scooter died, so I've been biking to work the last few days. Sure I've got to wake up a little earlier, but it's nice getting that extra exercise in. I've even inquire about a personal trainer at my gym. It's a doable price, so maybe once a week for an hour.

I've been going back in my shell lately, been avoiding seeing people and been awfully aggravated with close to everyone and everything lately. Even my customers are telling me that I'm a little short on energy, a little dull.

I've been eating pot cookies as of late. It's the only thing that has helped my joint pain. I'm scared to go in to to the doctors.. Scared to hear she can't help me, that she can't find anything wrong.

I'd stand up, stare her right in the eye, and calmly tell her western medicine can no longer help me.

Nothing can.

Hot girls & public transit..

Small adventures on my days off.

The most jaw dropping sexy women got on the bus, she stood in front of me, our legs touched, the bus seat vibrated.

I couldn't talk.

Twenty minutes and I couldn't talk.

Why can't I just say

"Your the sexiest lady I've ever seen.. let me explore your body in the heat of passion as its pressed against mine."

One can hope.