Sleepless nights for the early risers.

You have no idea, no idea how wrapped around your finger Iam.

You told me what your penny fountain wish was, would you like to know mine?

I wished that every person I loved, every person I cared deeply about, would find happiness. It's a simple wish, but it's a wish from the heart. I want my friends to be happy, I want you to be happy.


Do anything to just see that smile.

As The Story Goes

History Often Repeats Its' Self.

And this time, feels no different..


I couldn't look you in the eyes as you cried, nor when we left the docks, and even when I told you to let me finish the trek home, alone. I can't bare the weight of causing you pain, of making you cry. I'm not that sick. I'm stronger then I appear to be. Honest. If knowing me this well, if being this close, causing you such heart ache.. Maybe it's best for me to go. Maybe it's best.

This time 'round, feels completely backwards. I'm the person that helps everyone, the one that puts all my issues aside to do anything for my friends. I've never had it reversed before. It scares me.

I'm not worth your tears, or heart ache.
I'm not worth your trouble, I can't be fixed.

I'm not worth being fixed.

Let The Record Show...

September 22nd, 124.6 lbs, BMI 22.8
    October 22nd, 115.9 lbs, BMI 21.2

Total loss: Sanity.

Payment Method?

Just going to come out and say it. 
I purged. 





...

No,I am not proud. But it felt so good. I really can't say what brought this on, but I can say for sure that last night was one long night. I craved my blade more then ever last night, and I tossed and turned for hours because of it. I simply itched to slide it across my hip bone like so many times before. Just enough to see the blood bead up and dip. Just enough to feel that release. Just enough so I can hide it, and as with all my others, let it heal so no one would know. I still want it. I am digging my nails in to my palms to clam myself down, but my heart is racing. I'm not sure this is the Alice that Jason signed up for. I'm not sure he'd like me this way, when my medication makes me crazy, when my hips are cut to shreds, my throat raw and acid is the only thing in my stomach. This is the Alice that haunted me for the past few years. This is the Alice I'm trying to run from. She's come to say hello it seems, come to scare away my new friend. 

Just when I thought I could feel happy and safe in some ones arms, She will make him turn around and run from me.

Reading the old, rethinking the past.

Blog posts from years ago, are nothing but simply pathetic..

After Jason said he read my whole blog, I figured a good once over would be refreshing, sadly it was just a downer. I was so strung up on love, and pleasing everyone. Thinking "I've come so far" was really a far fetched idea.. Every post was about love lost, and love misunderstood, but really I was just an angsty teenager with a little too much freedom. I never sat down to really type out what was going out at the start, just little tid bits here and there that never really drew the picture of life back then, not a very pretty picture mind you, but one that I wanted to get out, hence the blog.

Way back when this blog started, I was living with my step sister/brother Khrys, she really ment the world to me, and swore we would make it through, together. When she came home from a concert one night after being gone a weekend, I was caught mid binge/purge session and had to push her away, I couldn't explain what was happening. We went our separate ways. She has a baby and a husband now. We don't talk any more. I constantly blame myself for our parting, she was really my only family.

As for all the talk of the doctors, I spilled my guts to three different ones out there in revvy, and well, one in abby as well. All of them shut me down and turned me away. I couldn't be sick as I claimed, I wasn't thin, I wasn't falling apart, they told me, I wasn't in need of help, they told me I was lying to them. I haven't sought any help since. Lauren brought me to a ministry of health lady, after one visit, I never went back.

Lloyd had me believe he killed himself, then to only return to my life and tear me down again and again. Steven had returned to my life once more as well, he can suck my mediforical balls however. Every time he asks for my forgiveness and then leaves again. I will never forgive him, the things he said to me were harsh and his truth that he held back from some time, it was venom.

-AS FOR THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE-

I haven't cut for about a month, I haven't drank for about just as long. I really see my life leaps and bounds from where I started, even though hardly anything has changed. As for high school, well the resent posts cover that. I haven't purged yet this week, but I'm using diet pills still, daily. I don't binge anymore, well not like I use to.

I don't hate myself, I dislike the person I am at times, but I've come along way. 

[Hey smile! No, really smile..]

Cause your smile is simply dashing.

After a few hours of walking around Stanley park, he says it;

"I read your blog."

To be honest, my heart raced, couldn't breath for a moment, maybe more.

"You did..? All of it?"

I asked, but didn't really want an answer.

"Ya, all of it."

*Deep Breath* "What did you think..?"

"Honestly."

*Holds Breath* "Ya, honestly.."

"It made me cry. Just knowing you on this personal level, and then reading this, other side of you. It hit me pretty hard. You have this great way of writing.."

Of all the things he could have said, of all the out comes to this situation, I really didn't expect this one.

I was so tempted to stop writing, to be honest, to stop my entries in this blog. You've all seen the large time gaps of my absence. But I've realized, as mush as I'd like to get pass this stage in my life, I'm not quite done here. I really have much more to learn, and even more to learn about myself. When the time comes, I'll know it. But that's far from now. Until then, I have my writing and art, my aspirations and dreams, and always my adventures with friends, great friends.

Free Drugs, Free Hugs.

Not sure whats going on, but I want to move out, on my own. Have my space. Have some space. Be more then an arms reach away. Be alone once and a while. 

I have this strained feeling with my relationship  I have for a while now. I'd like to say we argue often, but we don't because I'd snap at him, and he would say sorry and that would be the end of it. Oddly enough, that makes me more frustrated. Why can't I stir anything in him, I'd rather he snapped back, I'd rather he raised his voice and let something out. Something besides an apology.

Sure, we don't fight per say. But we don't make love often any more or at all. I dunno, it's like routine foreplay, and I've gotta fake it. If I don't it keeps going.. I just want it to stop, or not happen at all. Is it wrong for me to feel tied down like this, for me to feel roped in to him and no choice but to stay here.

I'm far too young to act mature, I was forced to grow up early and now I want to play. I know how that makes me sound.. But don't get me wrong! I'm not going to be doing anything stupid  I've got bills to pay, and a job to go to, even a gym membership. I'm an adult and I act like it when it's nessary. But, I crave laying in the park, getting grass stains, and being up all night with a friend.

He isn't on the same level, I'm not sure the same ball park. He says he'll "play" with me, but he won't, he doesn't, he is too old for me, there isn't the connect anymore.. 

It feels one sided..

I just want love. Why isn't it that easy?

It's been too long, but then again, it always ends up like this, doesn't it?

This time 'round it's a little different at least, I've made a friend! Sure he "stalked" me at work, hehe, but we haven't know each other very long and it feels like we were friends for such a long time. It really is grand knowing I won't be locked in my head always. 

We've really opened up to one another, sharing things no one else really knows. I shared my note book with him, I felt raw and open then silly, because there really isn't anything in there, that I logically should be scared to share with anyone. I then realized I needed to share my blog. 

These are the things I hid from my note book. These are the things I've never shown anyone, except those who've stumbled upon it by them selves. This is where I should feel raw and ashamed, this is what he should see. 

The real Alice is here, behind these photos, behind these words. 

And I'm not sure he'll like what he sees.

Except for ponies, everyone likes ponies.