No Sleep For The Empty.

Or The Cold Hearted.

Sleeping a total of 2 hours last night, tossing and turning from pain i awoke from another of the heart wrenching dreams. it was so real when i sat up my wrists were burning and my heart racing.

I finally got to visit him, after all this time, i was finally there in his arms. everything was just as my day dreams thought it would be like, but things turned, we began to argue, i was too gone for even him it seemed. flash to a few days later, after the worst of a fight, he stormed away and i slumped to the floor, like time had fast forwarded everything a blur everything clears a few hours later as i lay on the floor blood pooling around me i see the outline of him standing over me, screaming my name in attempts to wake me. flash to a hospital bed. i wake and turn to see him sitting next to me, a look of utter terror on his face as he tries to explain the events that happened that night, how i slit my wrists after swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills. i layed there, confused, every memory as foggy as the last, muted. the doctor enters and informs that my stumic was pumped and wrists stitched, that i barely made it cause i was to malnourished. the rest of the dream was just as bad, them trying to send me away and me muted, 

not being able to scream for help..

Hard Times Ahead

And it begins. One Week In And It Beings. I dont understand it. But its happening. I collapsed in the hallway, a mild blackout. it was terrifying. Now the pains have begun. I cant take tums for the hunger pains. Always the chance i'll take one too many like before. And i wont take a chance on that happening. I just cant wrap my head around why its starting so soon. i've only been restricting to 500 calories a day. sure its 1700 under what i should be in taking. and 1000 under what my body needs to function properly. but so soon? i've gone a week with out any form of food and the pains didnt arise. maybe this time its different. but what ever it is. it hurts. i wish i could just curl up and sleep. wake up when everything is better. when everything makes more sense. when all this useless BS harm i'm doing will stop. i dont want to be like this, but i am. and i just dont know how to make it stop. well i know, but its so damn hard  by myself. i'm all alone in this. and its down right terrifying. I dont know why i bother with this blog. why i bother trying to understand whats happening. i should just revert in to my old ways. it didnt work out then either but at least it was numbing. maybe if i stop writing here and just keep it all in, it'll make things easier. i wont bother yannic or lloyd again with my silly problems. i'll paste on my old smile and continue on like everything is fine. i've learned before to keep my mouth shut. i can easily do it again.

The Chart.

Starts:
May 3rd












Ends:
July 19th

73 days remain.

The other blog is gone. I just couldnt do it. I couldnt lay it all out for everyone to listen to. It tore me inside. knowing anyone at any time could know. i just couldnt take it. plans are still there. solid as ever. I'll just keep it all in the best i can. even my best friend dosent understand.. i just wish he would. every time i see the numbers drop i remember all the comments he told me, the ones that would make everything rush. at my lowest, he had called me beautiful. back then he never knew all that was going on. but the words echoed. more than anything i want to get back there. back down to my lowest. when i was beautiful. beautiful to him. sure yannics my drive for perfection, cause i'm terrified i'll never live up to him. but he, he is my drive to live. to be all that i can be. to stick with it. to do it for me. i just wish i had his ability to push. how he works hard everyday, nothing will get in his way. i'm taking small steps cause working that hard like he does, like i have before, sets me up for such a fall. such a tear down when it all falls through. i hope he knows i look up to him. but even if he read this, it might come off the wrong way. but its all just useless babble anyways. i cant talk with him about it.

Its just me. 

little invisible she.

This Time

I will win, This Time I Will reach my goals.

And i promised. that is that.

May 3rd, Day 1/77

I've Got The Pills. And I know Just How To Use Them.

Truth is,

I Love You. With Everything I've Got.

But,
If you really gave a fuck,
you wouldnt alienate the people you had left.

Just A Thought,
Mull It Over.
When Your Ready To Be A Grown Up About Shit,
Come Find Me.

J. Englishman

Fade. 

Oooooo yeah
Was I more than you bargained for
Was I too much to take
Did I push it all much to far
Did I waste all the rage
Walkin' under ladders
Steppin' on sidewalk cracks
Runnin' down dark alleys
Trippin' over black cats

Was I less than you needed
Was I not to your taste
Could I not stop the bleeding
Do you remember the days

I was all that you wanted
I was everything you craved
And now you complain
That you don't like the taste
Well I can recast the scene
But it still plays the same
Cause I'm too strong to love
And I'm too weak to change

Well I, I gotta get out of this place that I'm in
Cause I'm running this race I can't win
But I'll make you forgive me and then
I can drag you down with me again
I will drag you down with me again
Let me drag you down with me again

I'm so empty and ugly
Dirty and ashamed
But I'll never say I'm sorry
Never take the blame
I will teach you to hate me
And push you away
And in the end you'll be happy
To just let me fade